what i want to be

Sadie.

It's been exactly a month since I've posted. I find that really strange.

Between assistant directing the next show; my birthday; traveling on business to Alexandria, VA, for a week; Christmas shopping, preparations, and parties - the time just zoomed by.

The most exciting news: Sophie now has a sister! Her name is Sadie, and I got her from the same breeder as I got Sophie. They may be related - we're trying to figure out the family tree. She's 4 years old and an absolute sweetie. Sophie has adapted much more easily than I expected, after being an "only dog" for two years. They do the regular dog things like steal each other's rawhide bones and push each other off a pillow they want to lay on, but other than that it's been pretty smooth. We all sleep in a big pile on my bed, each on either side of me. Lately, they've been bonding by ganging up on the cats, dashing across the room to bark at them and then trotting proudly away. I think they'd high-five each other if they could.

Frustratingly, I've been fighting the holiday blahs. I was all in the Christmas spirit a few weeks ago, and then all of a sudden I morphed into this tense, grumpy, moody, depressed, and melancholy version of myself. The kind of person you see in movies just before the Ghost of Christmas Past shows up. That's me, about to be awakened by swinging chains and flowing white fabric.

No one tells you what life will be like when you start to feel better after a chronic illness. That's always the goal, it's what you say repeatedly to your friends: "I want my life back. I want to feel better." And then when you do . . . it's like waking up from a long sleep and discovering that life has continued without you. It's kind of shocking. You spend three years on the couch, where a good day is being able to take a shower and perhaps load the dishwasher, and then BAM. Suddenly the world opens back up and I'm left figuring out how to insert myself back into the land of the living.

It's not at all what I expected. I thought I'd romp across a field of daisies in the sunshine, free of illness, and live happily ever after. But now my brain is doing this annoying Rip Van Winkle thing. I might as well be stumbling around a colonial village with a long gray beard wondering what year it is - that's how out of it I feel.

I'm by no means in remission. I still have Lyme disease and am still being treated for it. But I feel so much better that it's time I start thinking about what I want out of the rest of my life and how to get it. I need to set some goals, get off the couch, and make things happen. It's suddenly in my power to do this. And I think that's what 2008 will be all about.