Monday, January 28, 2008

lymie times

Highgate Cemetery, London, England; May 2004.

This herx is kicking my ass, I must say.

It's been going on since Wednesday or so. I was due to herx anyway, and being so run down with work and theater, it hit me especially hard. The same old stuff - chest pressure, muscle melting feelings, inner vibrating, fatigue, headache, brain fog, eye muscle pain.

I had my Lyme appointment this morning. He was happy I've lost 15 lbs. Not that it matters so much for the Lyme, but it's just good for overall health. He decided to re-run the original Lyme Western Blot test to see if anything new comes up - I'm not sure how it all works, but he wrote six different test codes on the blood work order form to Igenex. Lyme disease and its co-infections go in cycles, so different things come up at different test times. It depends on which infection is raging at the time and what your body has made antibodies against. He also ordered a test for the co-infection Babesia, which may explain the fatigue, the frustrating chest pressure/air hunger/hard heartbeat that I can't seem to shake.

I can't believe I've been dealing with this for almost four years.

He told me that I must, must, must take it easy and not let myself get so exhausted and stressed as I have the past two months. That even though I feel like a healthy person, I'm not - I still have a chronic illness. I haven't gotten enough rest and have been on the go constantly. But I somehow have to finish what I started: wrapping up directing this play (3 more rehearsals), photographing the show and designing/printing the marquee, and making magnets. Then I'm done.

Did anyone catch the U.S. Nationals? It's the greatest night of figure skating of the year! And how cute is this 14 year old, who won the gold?

Mirai Nagasu, from Arcadia, CA

I'm crushingly exhausted. I will make myself a wonderful fresh vegetable juice concoction for part of my dinner. And sleep. Much sleep. I will pop a Lunesta, go to bed early, and let my body do some healing while I'm tucked in.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

my day

lazy sunday morning
My bed, this morning.

Today is mine.

No theater, no pages of script, no props, no paint brushes, no notes, no driving.

No work, no office, no phones, no boss, no ads, no lunchtime chatter.

No people.

It is just me.

I will linger over my coffee in my pajamas and read blogs online. I will update my Netflix queue and read the news.

I will clean my house so I can see the floor. And the countertops. I will pick up the trail of clothes down the hallway and wash them and fill my dresser with clean underwear and socks.

I will not bathe. Or maybe I will, but it won't be a shower, it'll be a jacuzzi tub bath and then I'll use all sorts of girly lotions.

I will take the dogs outside to run. And I'll run around the yard with them and we will make footprints everywhere in the snow.

I won't wear a bra.

I will take a nap under my favorite quilt on the couch.

I will watch a movie or two.

I will cook myself a nice, point-friendly dinner and enjoy every bite. And finish it off with 25-calorie hot chocolate for dessert.

I'll go to bed early and read awhile before falling asleep in a pile of dogs and cats and blankets, all warm as it snows outside.

And tomorrow I will re-join the world.




Tuesday, January 22, 2008

opening doors


Marian, before rehearsal Monday night.

January is speeding by so quickly, and yet when I think of how much I've been doing, I have no idea how I was able to fit it all in. Many doors are opening. No, I take that back. I am opening my OWN doors for myself, taking advantage of any opportunities that are coming my way. I've been in a depressed, Lymie haze for years, and now I'm waking up and breaking open.

The girls are now living with their mother, as I last reported. I talked to Katie, and she doesn't like anything - where she lives, her new school, her classmates, her teacher. She misses her family, her pets, and her friends. I told her to hang in there and be strong, and that we're doing everything we can on our end. The court date is February 22nd. I'm not sure if the judge decides who gets custody on that date, or if it's to gather information for further deliberation. So a month from today.

Work has been busy but interesting. Our department is now part of another department, which gives us much more room to grow and get promoted. It's definitely a good thing. I'll be traveling more, which I love. I have a trip to Ft. Lauderdale coming up at the end of February. Unfortunately, that's about the time all the college kids go down for spring break. But if I feel like hanging out of a convertible in a bikini, drunk and screaming, it'll work out great.

I'm assistant directing our next show "Murder in Green Meadows." It's a lot of work but very rewarding and fun. Our cast is awesome and does a great job with the creepy script. We open on February 1st, a mere 1 1/2 weeks away. Yikes. We've been rehearsing 3-4 times a week, about three hours a night. Then there's set dressing or construction on Saturdays, plus I have to do the program, flyers, magnets, and marquee. I've barely been home, and when I am, I'm on the computer. My house looks like a tornado hit it.

I joined Weight Watchers online. This is the year. I'm a compulsive eater who uses food as comfort . . . so you can tell how painful these past 4 years have been just by looking at me. It's time I gain back my control and stop medicating myself with food. Weight Watchers teaches you portion control and better planning. I'm also reading other books to figure out foods that trigger my unhealthy eating (everyone's different - you have to create a program for yourself) and just basically working my ass off every day to get better and stay on the program. I'm trying to forgive myself and move on from slip-ups, because no one is perfect. Once the play is over, I'll have more time to get back on the treadmill, which I love. And soon it'll be spring, so then I'll be doing yardwork and gardening. I've lost 13 lbs. so far; I have a long way to go, but it's a start. I'll try to post some of my favorite point-friendly meals here eventually.

And that's about it for now. Lots of big goals that will take awhile to accomplish, but a good start to hopefully a better year!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

at least the snow is fresh

View of my street this morning.

Well. 2008.

New Year's Eve didn't start out that well. I got some upsetting news about my family in the afternoon. I can't say a lot at this point for legal reasons, but my brother and his ex wife have been having custody issues with their girls. Things escalated over the weekend, and she ended up taking the girls back to her house 45 minutes away from his, yanking them out of their school mid-year so they can attend near her, and limiting his visitation to every other weekend. Unfortunately, she has the legal right to do all of this, but we thought she wouldn't be so disruptive to the girls' routine.

Obviously, we are all very, very upset. The girls had been basically living at my brother's house all week and seeing their mom on the weekends, so this is a huge lifestyle change for them. New house, new school, new friends, their toys and clothes left at their dad's house. My heart breaks for them - their living situation at their mom's is not healthy for them. All part of that really long story.

After hearing about all that had gone down, I just sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried. I haven't cried that hard for a loooong time, the kind where you think your heart may explode. I was so angry and hurt and wanted to DO something, but of course there's nothing anyone can legally do at this point. There is a fight ahead, but that's all I can say right now. I keep thinking back to our time at Christmas and the photos I took, and I wish I would have hugged them even more than I did.

I spent the evening at Donna's with Jim. The three of us had some drinks, some snacks, toasted the new year with champagne, and watched a movie. Very low-key and relaxing. When Jim and I left around 2:30 a.m. for the drive home in his car, it was snowing and had been for quite awhile. Everything was coated with that wonderful snow that sticks to tree branches and buildings. We felt like we were driving through another world.

I went out in my yard this morning and took some photos.

Today I'll focus on getting my head together, organizing things for work this week, and spending my last day of vacation reading and dozing on the couch. I wish I could say I was excited and hopeful about the new year, but at this point it feels like you drag crap from the old year into the new one and keep battling away. The year on the calendar changes, but you never really get a fresh start.