pass the dramamine

One of the things I've noticed lately is the myriad of emotions I am capable of having in one day. I can wake up groggy and cranky, get to work and be irritable, laugh with my friends at lunch, have a melancholy afternoon, be stressed and tense when I get home and think of all the things I'm not getting done, have an absolute blast and blow off happy steam at rehearsal, then come home and curl up in a ball on the couch and remember everything that happened just before Christmas. I am a mess. And not necessarily in a bad way. I'm just all over the place all the time, processing and thinking and dealing.

Can I have another wish? I wish for truth. I have been lying to myself for years, not dealing with patterns that are hurting me, blocking out others that I just hope will go away. Well, they're not going anywhere; I keep spinning in circles, reliving the same script over and over like some demented ferris wheel ride, breaking promises to myself left and right. I'm tired. And slightly nauseous.

Enough, already. I owe myself more than this.

roll in the snow

I'm feeling better today, so no need to call the crisis hotline. I ate a sleeve of Girl Scout thin mint cookies (yes, I said A SLEEVE OF THEM), I had a good laugh at Donna's expense, and I went outside to frolick in the snow.



I made a snow angel and got all sloppy messy.



And now I'm off to rehearsal. I've set my DVR to record the season premiere of Lost, which I cannot WAIT to see. Things are looking up.

void

Not having a great night here. In fact, it's been pretty crappy. It's 2:00 a.m. and I have to be up in four hours for work. FOUR HOURS.

This photo was taken on Sunday at a lake that was completely frozen over and covered by a foot of snow. People were ice fishing on it; it should have been completely solid. But toward the edge was this huge hole with water in it, and the snow all wrinkled and sunken in around it like a sheet. How does that even happen? It looked like someone had just punched a hole in it and left.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment, like someone punched a hole in me and left. I don't know what to fill it with or even what to do, except stare at it and think, man, Lisa, that's a really big hole. I feel lost and scattered and empty and achingly sad.

And I'm just really, really tired and can't sleep.