Saturday, April 5, 2008

pressing down

Bailey

My brother's new dog, Bailey.

Depression has hit me again. I've been struggling with it in some form since I was twelve years old. Usually it's pretty much under control, but the past month or so it's taken me over again. The air feels thick and heavy. Everything is hard to do and get through. I'm tired. I ache. The universe is pressing down on me, this dark cloud that follows me everywhere. My brain is bogged down with self-deprecating thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, aching loneliness, and a sense that every day is exactly the same. I want to scream.

Today I slept all afternoon, and when I woke up, I had to fight to stay awake. I could have rolled over and slept more. I made myself get up and clean the kitchen, run the vacuum, and sort through some bills. And then I sat on the couch, looked at the clock, and counted how many hours until I could reasonably go to bed. And this is a SATURDAY, people. I was invited out with friends and I didn't go, mainly because the thought of taking a shower and making myself presentable was overwhelming. As was driving, making conversation, and being out in the world. A night on the couch watching the Food network was more in order.

And now I'm in my pajamas, it's 11:30, and officially, I am going to bed.

6 comments:

djh said...

you never have to shower with me lis - wait - i mean FOR me! or with me! heck - i stink even after i shower. but you KNOW, if you ever want/need someone to come sit on the couch and self deprecate with you, call me. i'll be happy to commiserate with you.

megan said...

ditto

megan said...

ditto to djh's thoughts

Anonymous said...

I know of at least a dozen, maybe 2 dozen people who would love to come and hang out with you, pajamas or no, showered or not, and cheer you up and on... I also know that aching loneliness of being in a room filled with friends and still feeling utterly alone. You are so loved and wanted. Even if you don't respond to every email, your friends know that you love them back.
Hugs!
Your Rosanne

Genie said...

I feel you. I'm sorry.

Genevieve said...

I've been thinking of you so much and would love to send you something. If you feel comfortable, can you send me your home address via email? My email is: genevieve.john@gmail.com