hope?

Entrance to Parkview Cemetery, Livonia.

After a particularly bad day today, I pulled over to have a good cry - it was no longer wise for me to be driving with makeup and tears mushing together in my eyeballs. I happened to be near one of my favorite photography sites in the area, which also happens to be a cemetery entrance. So this is where I ended up. What does it say about me that after I calmed down, I had to dig for my tiny Canon SD1000 Elph and take a photo out of the sunroof? By the way, the light is from a big spotlight and not the sunset - it was raining when I took this.

And now it is still raining, and I'm going to bed.

a bit of calm

A garden at Hampton Court Palace, southwest of London, England, May 2005.

Even though I have so many worries weighing me down, today I am grateful:

. . . that our show opened to a GREAT weekend! Thank you cast and crew!

. . . that my bathroom is finally clean and sparkling.

. . . that I am home tonight and not dashing all over the place or at the theater.

. . . that I have clean socks and t-shirts tumbling in the dryer.

. . . for the great new skin products I bought at Target (and what the heck is going on with my skin, anyway? Who has a surge of breakouts at age 38?!).

. . . that the unexplained measuring cup in the hallway I've been stepping over for a week is now in the dishwasher (yes, my house was that messy).

. . . that Sophie & Sadie love their new bones so much that they've been happily gnawing away for hours.

. . . that tomorrow evening I'll have a fabulous sushi dinner with Cliff & Claudia.

. . . that I get to go to bed early tonight on clean sheets!

lymie times

Highgate Cemetery, London, England; May 2004.

This herx is kicking my ass, I must say.

It's been going on since Wednesday or so. I was due to herx anyway, and being so run down with work and theater, it hit me especially hard. The same old stuff - chest pressure, muscle melting feelings, inner vibrating, fatigue, headache, brain fog, eye muscle pain.

I had my Lyme appointment this morning. He was happy I've lost 15 lbs. Not that it matters so much for the Lyme, but it's just good for overall health. He decided to re-run the original Lyme Western Blot test to see if anything new comes up - I'm not sure how it all works, but he wrote six different test codes on the blood work order form to Igenex. Lyme disease and its co-infections go in cycles, so different things come up at different test times. It depends on which infection is raging at the time and what your body has made antibodies against. He also ordered a test for the co-infection Babesia, which may explain the fatigue, the frustrating chest pressure/air hunger/hard heartbeat that I can't seem to shake.

I can't believe I've been dealing with this for almost four years.

He told me that I must, must, must take it easy and not let myself get so exhausted and stressed as I have the past two months. That even though I feel like a healthy person, I'm not - I still have a chronic illness. I haven't gotten enough rest and have been on the go constantly. But I somehow have to finish what I started: wrapping up directing this play (3 more rehearsals), photographing the show and designing/printing the marquee, and making magnets. Then I'm done.

Did anyone catch the U.S. Nationals? It's the greatest night of figure skating of the year! And how cute is this 14 year old, who won the gold?

Mirai Nagasu, from Arcadia, CA

I'm crushingly exhausted. I will make myself a wonderful fresh vegetable juice concoction for part of my dinner. And sleep. Much sleep. I will pop a Lunesta, go to bed early, and let my body do some healing while I'm tucked in.