Thursday, January 8, 2009

and then a week later . . .

snowdrift

My Christmas vacation was the equivalent of getting cracked on the head. Twice.

Right before the holidays, I learned something that stirred up all sorts of emotions, both old and new, and pushed me into a tailspin that I'm still kind of coming out of. I won't elaborate. You've all been there. Heartbreak? Despair? Going to your counseling session in your pajamas? Yep, see, you understand.

So the past three weeks were all about purging unwanted blech from my life. It went something like this:

Four days before Christmas (as undisclosed bomb of news drops on my life)
Universe: Clean out the emotional crap, Lisa.
Me: I don't want to. It hurts too much.
Universe: Your heart is broken and you're angry. You have no choice.

Then a few days later (as my basement fills with water)
Universe: Clean out the cluttery crap, Lisa.
Me: I don't want to. I hate dealing with clutter. Really, really hate it.
Universe: Your carpet is underwater and a sock is floating by. You have no choice.


I saw a pattern forming (because I'm quick like that), so I listened. I worked and worked and worked, on the inside of me and the basement of my house. I read self-help books, thought about things, and hauled boxes of soggy junk to the trash. It sucked. It was not exactly how I had pictured two weeks off from work.

Last night I was completely, utterly physically and emotionally exhausted. Just done. I got home at 5:00, put on my pajamas, and fell asleep on the couch until 8:30. Then I got up and went to bed. So overall, I slept about 12 hours: one of those deep, cleansing sleeps where you just conk out and your house could get blown out to sea and you wouldn't wake up. Meanwhile, your brain takes the opportunity to rewire and process and clean out the bad stuff, do some filing and sweeping, so that when you wake up, your head is more clear. Today is the first day I've felt like everything might be all right.

This year, my resolution is to be selfish - in a positive, self-nurturing way. I'm tired of pleasing people or worrying that they'll be mad at me. I'm tired of being superwoman and taking on too much because I can't say no. And I'm really tired of fake feelings, fake relationships, and not telling people how I really feel. I want to ask myself at every moment: are you doing this/saying this/feeling this because you truly want to, or because you're worried about what other people think? Why is this person in your life and is this relationship in your best interest? Maybe it took me until January 8th to come up with my resolution, but I think it still counts.

Today feels more like the beginning of a new year than a week ago. All I need is a party hat, noisemakers, and a glass of champagne. Oh, and maybe a cheese platter.

1 comment:

SG said...

It definitely still counts!

Good for you, girly. I was worried about you. You go into your cave and I'm pretty sure you'll emerge okay, if not better than before, but the friend in me wants to come fetch you and give you a hug. :o)

Happy New Year, Lisa.

Peace & Love
Me