Sunday, February 10, 2008

a little bit of sun

Murphy & Lucy

Murphy (bottom) & Lucy (top), hangin' out on a lazy Sunday morning.

I miss the sun. It's been a long stretch of cloudy, gloomy weather here. I'm always up for a good day of cloudiness - a rainy day here and there, a good snowstorm. I love going into cave mode and spending a day or two all cozy inside with coffee and books and pets. And I really do love winter. But I'm ready for spring. Yesterday it was a "balmy" 35 degrees here, and I went outside to shovel the slush from my driveway, knowing that the 7 degree (-20 windchill) weather today would turn it to ice, the kind where I cling to the side of my house to get from my door to my car without falling to the ground in an icy heap. The sun came out for about 10 minutes, and I stopped shoveling and just stood there with my face to the light, absorbing it all. I find myself dreaming about digging in my garden, spending long days working in the yard, napping under the walnut tree.

Thanks to everyone for the comments, e-mails, or in-person well wishes. So many people know I'm really struggling with this disease right now. When I leave a party early one night and avoid going out for drinks the next, they know something's up! I'm not one to turn down a beer and a slice of pizza with friends.

My parents came down today to see the show and spend the afternoon with me. I had a good talk with them about many things that have been on my mind lately, family things that go back twenty years. I'll save the details for another blog. They were very open and willing to talk about everything and hear my feelings about things, and were able to reassure me. My mom said with tears in her eyes, "What can we do, can we do anything? Anything we can do, say it now and we'll try and do it for you. Anything." Just to have them listen was all I needed. Something changed with me today, mentally. For the better. I'm not sure what it is yet, or what it means. I need a few days to sort it all out, to shape it into something I can use to smooth out all those rough and raging parts that have been with me most of my life. I'll get back to you on that one.

No one can go back and change the past for me, or to heal the pain I thought I was over. I have to figure out how to do that, how to gain closure on my own. It's been so long and I'm still clueless as to how. I've tried anger, I've tried "revenge" by making my life as successful as possible in spite of it all, I've tried ignoring it. I've worked and worked and worked - but maybe I'm working on the wrong things.

Maybe the answer is in me and not in all these external things I'm doing. Maybe it's self-acceptance, being kinder to myself, celebrating everything I fought against and won against as a child, being proud of myself. Giving myself a break. Not taking on other people's negative baggage and incorporating it into my life, letting it weigh me down. Not seeking perfection, with all loose ends tied up all the time. Maybe it's time to sort it out, settle it gently, and move on. Take a deep breath and blow it all away.


moondance said...

It was for the better cause you got it off your chest... :-)

and yes, be kinder to yourself.

and me too! (this usually means in the form of chocolate.) :-)

love you.

Megan said...

"Take a deep breath and blow it away" - I like this one the best. For me, and for what it's worth, I think that accepting that we have limited control over what happens in our life is key. But I sure have trouble with the "accepting" part most days ;)